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My Fucked-up Dream

Wake up early

Life: Lol jk, you slept 40 hours straight

Goddamnit life

Bus comes early and I’m late

Takes 10 minutes to get ready

Rushes out the door

Not as late as I was before for some reason

Jump and stick to the side of the bus

Bus driver gets out of the bus and peels me off

Also, bus driver is a crustacean

Dad tells me to take a bath so my pants won’t match my shirt as much

I write a novel instead

I come outside and get in his truck, and Jackie Chan is there

He says I’m driving

I start up the car and the steering wheel is an Xbox controller

Car starts to fly

I cause 9/11 on way to school

We get there, and school is decorated like Halloween

Crazy things are everywhere.

20 minutes till class starts, I decide to look around

The school is fucking sweet

I want to go to class now but can’t find my way

5 minutes till class starts and all the cool crazy shit gets creepy

2 minutes till and walls start to bleed and say excuse me in French accents, conga line turns into human centipede, and frank the friendly mustard salesmen says fuck for no reason.


I find a random ass stairway and walk up it

I find my class, its psychology with Stucker

(Fun Fact) Because he runs a flipped classroom, all the chairs were bolted to the ceiling

I lie on the ground and cry.

Stuck man asks me what’s wrong

I tell him the fucked up shit going on outside his door

He’s more concerned about why I’m 20 years late to class.

I look at the clock dramatically and it doesn’t help

Notices that the class is elementary kids and they won’t stop laughing

I look down and I’m naked.

Stucker notices I’m embarrassed and says “let me try to comfort you”

He throws me back into the halls

End of dream


"I miss dinosaurs."

"Evolution, we’ve talked about this."

"But I miss them.”

"You turned them into birds, remember? It was the best you could do, given the circumstances.”

"It’s not the same."

"I know. I’m sorry."

"Can I at least make these cassowaries 50 feet tall?"

"Come on, you know that size didn’t work out so well before."

"Six feet, then? And over 100 pounds?"

"Yeah, that sounds better."

"And can I put weird prehistoric crests on their heads?"

"I don’t see why not."

"And can they slash people’s throats with their dagger claws?”

"Sure, pal, if that would make you feel better."

"I think it would. Thanks for understanding."

"You got it, evolution. Anytime."

Source: Wikimedia Commons / Bjørn Christian Tørrissen



wow I didn’t know fuckin chocolate eggs were gendered


I work at a concession stand in an ice rink. We sell a bunch of chocolate bars and snacks and shit including Kinder Surprise eggs.

So one day this woman comes up to the counter with her two little kids, a girl who’s probably about 6 or 7 and a little boy, maybe 3 or 4. The mom asks what they want, the little girl points at the Kinder eggs and says “One of those!”. I asked if she wanted the white or the pink egg. She said pink. The little boy pointed to the Kinder eggs and says “One of those!”. I asked if he wanted the white or the pink egg. He said pink. HOLY SHIT IT WAS LIKE I OPENED THE GATES OF HELL. The mom absolutely FLIPPED and was like “YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE PINK EGG IT’S ONLY FOR GIRLS. YOU CAN GET THE WHITE ONE OR NOTHING AT ALL”. The little boy looked at his mom and said “But I want the same as ______ (whatever the sister’s name was)”. The mom completely ignored him and turned to me and gave me a death glare. “He can have the white egg.”

I had to give a little boy a white egg when he wanted the pink so that he could be the same as his big sister and he started crying. The mom just reiterated that the pink egg was for girls and told him that boys don’t cry.

And this is why we shouldn’t gender fucking chocolate eggs.

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